Brick House

As the majority of my non-golf-related entries seem to be wedding-related, I have been cursed and been booked to attend weddings for the rest of the summer. This weekend's event took place in Red Bank, NJ.

The ceremony was performed by the brother of the groom, who somehow maintained a respectable amount of decorum during the proceedings. Either the brother/groom must be the most uninteresting brothers of all time, or he was paid handsomely not to divulge past antics or embarassing moments.

The brinde/groom, who I didn't know, felt obligated to invite their entire college class, from a small college in PA, who felt obligated to attend, as they were able to get a group rate from the Harrisburg Geryhound station. The majority of the attendees being college connections, five years removed from school, was an omen.

It was embarassing that 1/2 of the guests, obviously college friends, couldn't dress appropriately. Granted, being PA schooled they did surpass the jhorts/flannels of my Pittsburgh bred cousins' wardrobe, but it is embarassing not to have a suit and be relegated to khaki cargo shorts and scuffed slip-on Vans. If the site of the wedding/reception had bouncers, they wouldn't have gotten through the door, as they were not deserving of the lavish spread, or even spending time in such a nice establishment.

The best/worst example of the miserable lot were at our table for the reception. Guy #1 was obviously a hanger-on of the cooler clique at small-PA-college, as he said nothing original, but was overly impressed with his new diamond outline patterned shirt and cross directional patterned tie he picked out for the occasion. Maybe I shouldn't be so critical, as he must be smarter than me to have the ability to build a time machine to Structure 1994.

Guy #2, affectionately known an Fat Boy, had a grand view of himself, after his year abroad deejaying in Japan, which made him "rich beyond belief" to the point he had the cash for the downpayment on a Cadillac lease. He looks forward to being the most popular guy in Talahassee, and generally Tom Cruise'd (overt gestures of emotion leading to awkwardness) the entire night by tearing up during the toast of the best man, and forcing eye-contact with his boy, the groom, and nodding between 150-200 times during the night.

Shockingly, #1/#2 were at the event without dates, staying at the Holiday Inn Select down the street, and looking to prey on the ugliest girls at the event without dates, or those with dates, when their dates excused themselves to the restroom. Unfortunately, their efforts were likely unrequited, as the dent they put on the Captain Morgan's stymied their libido.

Ultimately, I would feel for the family of the bride who had to foot the bill for the 76 Stooges, but since the mother of the bride makes her living as a psychic, she had appropriate forewarning and could have halted the goon parade.